Classic Canaries 4: Simon Says…

So pleased with his purchase our hero peddles home, through the centre of the village past the newsagent. He stops, ponders the matter then locks up the penny farthing and enters the shop. The anticipated figure stands smugly behind the counter. Various sweets and periodicals line the shelves.
After a moment of pretending not to see him, the figure hails Bikle.

Simon: “Hello there h’sir, h’what can h’I do for you? A dewspaper perhaps?”

Bikle: “For odce sibod baybe you can help be, you don’t happen do hab a copy of ‘you do what’ frabout do you?”

Simon: “h’what do you bean?”

Bikle: “Well you do it’s the birdshow later toborrow and I was wonderig if you bight have ady beans of tellig who will wid it?”

Simon: “And h’ow would that be h’sir?”

Bikle: “I thought it bight, you dow be id de dewspaper?” he says it hushedly as if someone might hear

Simon: “H’I don’t know h’what you mean h’im afraid, dese are de dewspapers we have on offer”

Bikle: “Do but don’t you hab ady you dow, other dewspaper?”

Simon: “What dewspaper? H’i don’t see ady dewspaper? Maybe you h’mean the alleged dewsapaper ehhhh Bikle?”

Bikle: “You fuckwid sibod you Dow very well what I bean. Toborrows dewspaper! Led be hab a peak!”

Simon: “Ho h’why did ‘t you say so. H’anything for a chum!”

Bikle: “Barvelous lets hab it den!”

Simon reaches down and produces a metal bucket a d places it in front of Bikle.

Simon: “H’there you are h’sir!”

Bikle: “What? But dis is just a bucket of…” He peers cautiously in “ashes?”

Simon: “H’yes bikle, Morris borrowed toboprrows dewspaper h’earlier and gave it h’back like this!”

Bikle: “Bah! Dat pesky wizard, but bi’ll show hib at de bird show!”

Simon: “Ho but don’t forget about the h’charity cat h’show h’later today! I hear you’re h’doing a h’show!”

Bikle: “why dats right did you read ady glowig reviews in toborrows dewspaper…?” But no sooner has he asked than his eyes fall upon the bucket and its carbonised contents. “hmm dat would be dot, bi guess, banyway better be off, as you say bust practice de old  enterdainbent froutine!”

Simon: “H’bye now h’sir!” And with that he leaves with the familiar newsagent bell door sound chiming his exit.

Bikle:” Dow, for Hobe and get dis little beauty set up,” he looks lovingly on at the cage, then mounts the penny farthing and peddles back to the flat. Back at the flat events have been merciful to Bikle.  As he chains up his penny farthing, he hears a strange “Wakark!” sound from the bushes near the house, and seconds later, a stout figure in a blue boilersuit comes bustling down the stairs and off down the street. Again there is something familiar about this personage, whom it is to be assumed is suffering from a bad head cold, so bundled up is he in a scarf that his features are obscured despite the pleasant summer’s day. Entering the flat Bikle goes straight to check upon his canaries, finding to his pleasure and surprise, that they are in the same first class fettle as when he left. Buckle is sat cross legged on the floor eating wine gums.

Bikle: “Well done dere Buckle, I’b idpressed. Do dabage dode to by birds! Where did you get de sweets?” Buckle’s reply is more garbled than ever through a mouthful of sticky chews.

Buckle: “Oh it wab dat dice bad frob de gas boarg, he cabe to reab de beter! He wad very idterestig id you cadaries, askig how bady of deb you had ad so od.”

Bikle: “Ho really? I dod’t like de sound of dat! I would’nt put it past by rivals to try ad dobble by beauties!”

Buckle: “Ho dow Biggle, he gabe be dese sweeties, ad dis radio here. He’s a veddy dice chab! Shabe he had to rud off so udexbegtadly lige dat, just before you cabe hobe, but he said he’d cobe back later for adother look at de birdies.”

Bikle: “Dot likely he wod’t! Dow listed to be, Buckland, I’b goig out sood, and dobody, but dobody, gets idto dis flat frob dow od! Do you hear be?”

Buckle: “Dot eved you Biggle?”

Bikle: “Yes yes of course be you dodkey! But do ode else!

Buckle: “Dobody but you. God id. Dow where are you goig? Cad I cobe?”

Bikle: “H’certaidly dot! I’b doig by bagic show at de cat charity taledt show todight ad de last thig I wadt is you bucklig it! Dow I’m puttig dis dew cadary id by bedroob so it does’dt disturb by origidal cadaries wid it’s bagdificedce, ad ded i’b off! Rebember, dobody but be is allowed id!”

A few moments previously, the scene is the back of an old van marked Vance Cuddenhall, Gas Engineer. The blue overalled figure is listening to voices over an electronic system, clearly a secret agent style eavesdropping affair. From the speaker comes a familiar voice. “Dobody, but dobody, gets idto dis flat frob dow od! You hear be?” “Dot eved you Biggle?” “Yes of course be you dodkey, but do one else!?”  “Dobody but you. God id. Dow where are you goig? Cad I cobe?” “H’certaidly dot! I’b doig by bagic show at de cat charity taledt show todight ad de last thig I wadt is you bucklig it! Dow I’m puttig dis dew cadary id by bedroob so it does’dt disturb by origidal cadaries wid it’s bagdificedce, ad ded i’b off! Rebember, dobody but be is allowed id!”

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Published in: on December 16, 2015 at 1:55 pm  Leave a Comment  

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