Classic Canaries 6: The Two Bikles.

After Bikle left for the second time Buckle we may recall was in charge of some particularly nice canaries. How my dear reader do you suppose that went? You may be surprised. Buckle prowled around the flat for some time. He went to the fridge again (vwukk Barvellous). He played a game of Ludo with a stuffed toy and got confused. He had a jumping competition by himself and broke part of the sofa –but won the competition. He watched some pigeons from the window swooping around and then pretended to be a pigeon, pecked at the floor for some bread he’d thrown for himself and bashed himself unconscious. When he awoke he could hear the most marvellous twittering sound. He looked up and saw some delightful yellow birds in a cage.

Buckle: “Ho by! Look at dese. Dere Barvellous, I wonder where dey came from? Bikle will be thrilled to see dem!” He stares transfixed for some time.  “Here birdie birdie!” Suddenly there is a knock at the door. “Ho a knock at the door, dow who could dat be!” He goes to answer it and is greeted my rotund feathery gentleman with a cloak long black wig and glasses on.“Ho Bikle it’s you, why didn’t you let yourself in?”

Alleged Bikle: “Blblblblbp! Forgot keys! Blblbp! In I come Blblbp! Ho dere Buckle blblbp! How are my I mean by prize cadaries?”

Buckle: “I think dey’ve escaped! I was watchig somb birds earlier flyig around outside and I thought there’d be cheese and then…”

Alleged Bikle: “Bllblbp, no matter have to take these to the birds show now, blblbp time is of the essence, blblblbp!”

Buckle: “Ho let be help you with dem Bikle!”

Alleged Bikle: “Blbllblblp! Dot likely! Come on in Thompson!”

Thompson enters but unbeknownst to err Bikle, the Thompsons have a particular hatred of canaries. Upon spying the yellow tweeting cage, Thompson does not move compliantly over to help with removal, rather with a squawk of abject rage and blood lust he races over to the cage and, using his rather large and powerful bill, easily crunches through the bars. In moments there are further set of blood thirsty crunching sounds and Bikle’s prize canaries are no more than a bloody pulp dripping from Thompson’s vicious beak.A pulp he shows his disgust for by spitting out around the room.

Alleged Bikle: “Blblblbbp Thompson! My prize birds!” the apparent Bikle looks actually horrified as he clearly did not forsee this turn of events “Come along Thompson!  No point staying here!”

Buckle: “H’what but you live here Bikle! Though I don’t do how you’re going to wid adythig dow with dis mess?”

Alleged Bikle: “Blblblp good point off to get fresh birds! Leaving now blblbp!” and with this ‘Bikle’ and the Thompsons rapidly exit the flat…Moments later, there comes the sound of slow, painful footsteps dragging themselves up the stairs, accompanied by panting and swearing. There is the sound of keys, and Bikle practically collapses through the door.

Buckle: “Ball right dere Bikle! Dat was quick, forget sobethig did you?”

Bikle: “Ho god you’re back are you? Dat’s all I bloody deed, by fuckig idiot brother. Badyway, what do you bean quick? I’ve beed away ages. Dever bind, I dod’t have tibe to listed to your blitherig, I’ve got to get by cadaries to the Bird Show prodto!”

Buckle: “Ho yes, de cadaries, pretty thigs, such a shabe dat dey’re ball dead hey?”

Bikle: “Yes, yes, dat’s right, whatever, dow get out of by way…” He pauses “Hag od, what do you bean ball dead?”

Buckle has wandered off and is draping a tea towel over his head.

Buckle: “Look at be Bikle! I’b ad astrodaut!”

Bikle: “Dever bind dat dodsedse you fridiot! What do you bead by cadaries are dead?”

Buckle: “Ho yes, dey’re dead all right. Bassacred. Bercilessly.”

Bikle charges across the room and removes the cover from the cage, revealing the sanguinary chaos within, also now noticing the enormous stains of feathers and blood about the place. He reels back smiting his forehead,

Bikle: “Ho Christ! By prize cadaries! H’what the fuck have you dode you bastard?”

Buckle: “Ho it was’dt be Bikle, dod’t you rebember? You popped id just dow wid dat Thobsod, ad he burdered de lot of deb.”

Bikle: “H’what? Ho you ditwit, dat was’dt be! Thobsod you say? Den dat Turkey bastard is behide dis sedseless bassasidatiod! I’ll get hib for dis or I’b dot de largest at de party!”

Buckle: “Dat’s de spirit Bikle! But ared’t you goig to kill dat other ode too?”

Bikle: “What other ode?”

Buckle is now trying to climb into a ridiculously small pedal bin.

Buckle: “Look at be! I’b id by rocket! I’b like dat brave Astro Bikle od de televisiod!”

Bikle advances upon him as menacingly as his rectal injuries allow

Bikle: “Dow listed here brother of bide, I’be just about at de end of by tether, by bagic act was sabotaged by dat Gerbad, you stabbed be wid swords, I’ve had a rollig pid idserted into by backside, I’ve had to hop all de way back frob de hospital because dat Johdsod at de taxi office would dot let be idto a cab due to by bleedig bottob, ad dow I fidally badage to get hobe, odly to discover dat you have allowed dat Butterball bastard to brutally bexterbidate by beloved bevy of beautiful birds under your very dose! Dow, what do you bead by “de other ode?””

Buckle: “De other cadary Bikle, de ode dat you bought frob dat dice Bister Cutler dis bordig. It’s still id your bedroob. Cad I go to the bood id by rocket ship dow?”

Bikle: “By god! You’re right! Dat bagdificedt dew bird!Frof course! I’ll have by revedge od dat turkey yet! You cad go to de bood id a bidute, fetch by groobig iplebedts ad help be lash de cage to by peddy farthig! Dere’s dot a bobedt to lose! Fregistratiod closes at dide o’clock!”

Sure enough, before many minutes have passed, Bikle is perched precariously atop his antique conveyance, a cushion sellotaped to the seat in a vain attempt not to burst his stitches, and is pedalling hell for leather towards the village green…

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Published in: on December 18, 2015 at 2:23 pm  Comments (1)  

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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. Buckle amusing himself in the flat is one of my favourite scenes that you have written. Thanks.


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