Classic Canaries 8: Perry Good.

Dismounting with a yelp of pain, Bikle unhooked the cage and his satchel of grooming implements and began to walksomewhat bow leggedly towards the registration desk. An astute observer would also have noticed that the blue van of Vance Cuddenhall Gas Engineer had parked up nearby and disgorged another character carrying a covered cage, who, espying Bikle and his burden, scurried to catch up.

Clancy:  “Blplblblp! Morning Bikle! Fine day for show! What’s in cage? Blplplpl!”


“Dode of your busidess Cladcy! Dow if you will excuse be!”

Clancy: “Blblblblp! What’s the rush? Companiable stroll! All chums together! Shared interest in canaries. Blplplp! Give us a peek!”

Bikle: “Do chadce! I’ve rumbled your gabe you Turkey Bastard! You tried to sabotage by edtry, but I’ll troudce you fair ad square, you wait ad see! Dow I bid you a good bordig sir!”

With that he lengthens his pace, wincing as he does so, and strides ahead, the Turkey vainly trying to catch up. Arriving at the desk he signs the registration form. Mr Hornby looks at the form,

Hornby: “Ah good morning Mr, er Michael, it says here that you are entering 3 birds in the Canary Class?”

Bikle: “It’s Bikle fractually, ad I’b bodly benterig ode bird dis year! Ballegedly, O.O.O.”

Hornby: “I see. Name?”

Bikle: “Bi just told you, it’s Bikle!”

Hornby: sighing: “The name of your canary?”

Bikle: “Ho I see, by bistake. Pribrose Pridcess!”

Hornby: “Pribrose Pridcess?”

Bikle: “Do do! Pribrose Pridcess!”

Hornby: “Err, fine, fine. Here’s your exhibitor’s badge, next please!”

As Clancy bustles up, Bikle wraps his cage protectively in his cloak and hurries off. As he approaches the show tent he nearly bumps into Morris.

Morris: “Watch it bumboy, mind where you’re going or I will burn you to death.”

Bikle: “Ho sorry Borris, didn’t see you dere. Benterig ady cadaries dis year?”

Morris: “That is none of your fucking business bony. Anyway, what have you got in the cage?”

Bikle: beaming “By darlig Pribrose Pridcess!”

Morris: “Oh yes? Canary is it? Ho ho only bird you’ll be entering this year!”

Bikle: “H’ive balready dode dat joke Borris. Dow I bust be od by way, got to bake sure she’s lookig her best you dow! Busn’t forget by groobig iblebedts!”

Morris: “Go on then shit boy, out me way, things to do innit?”

Bikle: “Certainly, certainly, bust be goig, see you later.”

Morris: “Not if I see you first you won’t chumpo.”

Unabashed by this rude dismissal Bikle makes his way through the gathering crowds to the exhibitors tent. Looking around to ensure he is unobserved, he sneeks a peek athis treasured bird. The canary is more breathtakingly perfect than he remembers, there is no need for him to ply his grooming implements, the bird does not have a feather out of place. Seeing the Turkey sidle into the tent, he drops the cover back over the cage and secures it firmly.

Clancy: “Blplblblblp! Hello again Bikle! No hard feelings eh! All’s fair, love and war what? Blplplp! Have a cup of tea?”

Bikle: “I dod’t drigk tea or coffee thagk you very buch.”

Clancy: “Blblblp! Glass of cola?”

Bikle hesitates, the long uphill cycle on a warm day has left him somewhat thirsty, and after all perhaps Clancy means well.

Bikle: “Ho go od thed, bottobs up!” as he drains the glass, Clancy is quick to refill it, relishing the cool refreshing taste, he again finishes the fizzy beverage. “Mmmmdat was very dice. Dat’s dot do frills is it?”

Clancy: “Blblblplp! Have another large glass!”

Bikle: “Dod’t bide if I do! Buch obliged!”

Clancy: “Blblplplplp! And again? Finish bottle! Got another one here!”

Bikle drinks his fill and the Turkey makes an excuse and bustles off. Shortly thereafter, there comes a twanging noise and a “Boooohhh!” which announces the advent of Buckle, who having tripped over a guy rope arrives in the tent headfirst. Scrambling to his feet he waves at Bikle.

Buckle: “Ho dere Biggle! It’s be! Buggle!” It is apparent that he is still munching the Turkey’s wine gums.

Bikle: “Ho god dat’s all I deed. Leave be alode, I’b guardig by cadary ad dod’t wadt ady distractiods.”

Buckle: “Ho, have you got a cadary Bikle? Dere’s a bird show today, why dod’t you bedter it for dat?”

Bikle: groaning and burying his head in his hands.”What do you thigk dat I’b doig here? Bof course I’b edterig de cadary id de bird show! Bi’ve beed talkig about it for bodths! Dow go ad buy sobe caddy floss or sobethig.”

As he talks however, Bikle realises that there is something very wrong. The two large bottles of cola have worked their way through his system in double quick time, and he urgently requires to visit the gentlemen’s conveniences. He looks around desperately for an unobserved corner to urinate. All he sees is a notice stating that show birds must on no account leave the show tent after being checked in, under pain of disqualification. Meanwhile the urgent pain in his bladder is growing worse. He dare not leave his canary unguarded, but if he does not urinate now, he may shame himself. His frantic gaze falls reluctantly on Buckle. And then across to the bin where he spies secondary solution. The old emptied coke bottle is poking its head out of the top of the bin in a very tempting manner. If, he thinks to himself, he could just casually hide the bottle under his cloak maybe? Then he could relieve himself without others noticing. But how is this going to work? Bikle must think fast. He needs to wee, the situation is desperate. He moves with no firm plan towards the bin and tries surreptiously as is possible to get the old coke bottle out of the bin. He’s there, he has the bottle but sadly so is Buckle

Buckle: “Ho Biggle what are you doing in de bin?”

Bikle: Whispering “Shh you fridiot, by deed dat bottle.”

Buckle: “Ho why do you deed de boddle Biggle?” comes the far too loud a answer

Bikle: “Dever bind dat, dere’s do tibe!” and he grabs the coke bottle out of the bin and nimbly hides it under his cloak. Buckle stares on fascinated

Buckle: “Ho it’s like a bagic show, cobe and look at dis everybody, by brother’s doig bagic!”

It’s too late for any other course of action, so whilst half looking daggers at Buckle, in a urgent fumble Bikle has undone himself and the lid of the bottle (which was only loosely on) and in what to the exterior viewer is a shuffling in  a rather dodgy looking manner  behind his cloak, Bikle begins to position himself, all the while though he shrinks inside and grows as red as a beetroot, for others have heard Buckle’s call and are beginning to come over. Look here come’s Hornby from the registration desk, oh and the local bigwig Mrs Haverstock, that local rich fool Cheap Perry has wandered over too as has nosey old Johnson, that nice old couple the Richards and why that’s the Clancy just popped back in as it seems he was talking to Mrs Haverstock. Soon the small group have gathered round the struggling redfaced Bikle waiting to see what he will do.

Buckle: “Ho what bagic are you doig Bikle?”

Bikle: “Bi’m err, goig too” the sound of the liquid running down the inside of the bottle is all too apparent in the quiet tent

Perry: “I say!” pipes up Cheap Perry “that sounds a bit like someone peeing!”

Bikle must think fast, all eyes are on him, especially the beady Turkey eye which gleams adjacent to Mrs Haverstock’s rather fine hat. Buckle however has beaten him too it

Buckle: “Silly old Perry, dat’s just de sound of de bagic frisn’t it Bikle?”

Bikle: “Umm yes ber dat’s right” and now Bikle does the only plan that comes to mind whilst shuffling to place himself back in his trousers and recapping the bottle “Frabracadabra to keep you berry I’ve bagiced you adother bottle of perry!” and he produces with a flourish the bottle of coke filled with wee.

Cheap Perry however, being already half cut is rather pleased with the outcome

Perry: “I say this fellow, really can do magic! Give that man a hatstand!”  and he even doesn’t seem to clock the warmness of the bottle as it is passed to him. There is some polite applause and the Turkey’s eye darkens a little, before twinkling suddenly again.

Clancy: “Blblblbp excellent trick, maybe quick glass for everyone, eh Perry!”

Perry: “I say what a jolly good idea!”

Bikle trembles but then Mrs Haverstock declines, as does Hornby and the Richards, Johnson has wandered off  and Bikle quickly makes excuses for him and Buckle. This leaves Cheap Perry deftly pouring two glasses of the steaming beverage for himself and the Turkey. Horrified Clancy does the only thing he can and using his own magic, transforms the contents of bottle into real sparkling perry.

Perry: “Bottoms up Clance!”

Clancy: “Blblbp really!” says the Turkey, displeased at the general outcome

Perry: “Ah that’s the stuff!” he enthuses and clutching the coke bottle wanders off to inspect the outside. Bikle is partially confused and partially excited.

Bikle: “By God Buckle did you see dat!? Bi didn’t eved try as I thought it frimpossible, but Bi bactually turned de piss indo perry! By bagic bust be bunstoppable today!”

Buckle: “What piss is dat Bikle?”

Bikle: “Ho god, dever bind. Dow here’s some coins go and ged yourself sobe sweets.”


Published in: on January 27, 2016 at 4:39 pm  Leave a Comment  

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