Classic Canaries 16: Mr Cutler’s New Clothes.

Of course Buckle’s blow is rather less efficient than the others and serves to only knock Bikle over onto the two other unconscious persons.

Bikle: “How! what de fuck?” And turning round he spies his brother gingerly wielding the fire extinguisher “Buckle! What de dickeds are you doing?!”

Buckle: “Ho Bikle! Ab I glad to see you, I just stopped de bonster frob eating dese two Bikles! I wonder where he could have god? Lawredce obdivore said he was round here subwhere.”

Bikle looks on dumbfounded. Suddenly Cutler walks up.

Mr Cutler: “Afternoon gents, havin’ a time are we? Oo ee, bodies piling up a bit there, well here really, look at at that eh?”

Buckle: “Is dis cousid lobdivore? Dere’s a bonster around you dow! He’ll gobble you up if your dot careful, he was trying to eat dese two Bikles!”

Mr Cutler: “Monster you say! Gobbling you say! Weeell can’t be having that can we sausage, do you mind if I call you sausage, you look a bit like a sausage, well sausage features, sausage head, you know what they say sausage by name, sausage by venture, do you mind to get those clothes of those bodies, they look awfully untidy don’t you think?!”

Bikle: “What do you bean?”

Mr Cutler: “Christ on a bangle! Shall I be a bit clearer!” At this point Cutler points a 45 at the brothers “Strip the bodies down to pants, no need to be dirty, give the clothes to Uncle Dennis, everyone’s happy. Savvy?”

Bikle: “Berr yes bister Cutler, berr straight away!” says the worried looking Bikle and starts to, disrobe the out of action figures.  Buckle readily joins in, believing it all to be some kind of marvellous game. As people walk by they look on with some disgust and bemusement but to reassure them Cutler shouts.

Mr Cutler: “It’s alright ladies and gents, they’re just perverts in a controlled environment, it’s new program!” Bikle bristles at this  but can do little, whereas Buckle seems to like it.

Buckle: “Ho look Bikle, I’b a pervert id a controlled edvironbent, Barvellous, cousid lawredce will be pleased, what tibe is he gettig here, is he a pervert too?”

Bikle has really has nearly had enough of the whole day, and reflecting on the current moment he realises that disrobing gangly long haired men in broad daylight at gun point is not really how he thought it would go. As the process is completed the wig falls off Alfonso leaving him naked save for his gaudy stained pants, Euro Bikle has a much more presentable bright yellow satin pair of boxers with the European insignia emblazoned thereon.

Mr Cutler: “Fold them neatly, there that’s better, less the crease the more the lease as mama used to say!” At length, two piles of folded garments are handed over to Cutler “Nicely done gents, you’ll like them better like that I shouldn’t wonder anyway, here’s your cards stamped!” and he produces two plastic cards with ‘Pervert in a controlled environment Program’ writ large, both of them have Bikle’s name on it, and like a kind of coffee loyalty card, there are some spaces, one of which is now stamped with a small potato insignia “That’ll be £2.49 for each one chummy, come one now, me stall won’t run itself!” And so seeing the immediate futility of quarrel, Bikle hands over a £5 and takes the cards. Cutler marches off back to his stall with the new outfits.

Buckle: (enthusiastically) “Ho what dow Bikle? Dis birdshow is Barvellous?!”

Bikle: “Ho God! Birdshow! Fuck Buckle?! What tibe is it? Pribrose Pridcess, we deed to ged back!”

When Clancy Butterball Turkey left the tent, he was not pleased, he had been caught out badly by that sneaky bottle of 2020 to the noggin and was not in the mood to let the matter rest. After unfurling the rugs, he glanced at the cages, all seemed to be in order (though he peaked under none of the covers) and so he left the tent. He wandered around a short  while before ending up peering in the beer tent. He looked disdainfully in at the lairy Johnsons and duly pronounced “Really!” At this moment some of the Thompsons hollered for him to come over with their characteristic “Wakark!” sound. Not really, wanting to get involved he partially feels he should see what’s up. Once over there they tell him of the travails of big chief Thompson and how they think maybe they would like to be back on the island and then it begins to bore him. “Blblllblblp, serious concerns, want to listen, back in a moment, small Bersierneaux, chin up Thompson!” and off he waddles to the bar with no real intention of returning. At the bar he sips his Bersierneaux cocktail and scans the scene for ‘Euro-Bikle’, but then spies something more interesting. Hornby is sat, just, on a seat, bright red face talking animatedly to two Johnsons. Clancy sidles over.

Clancy: “Blblbllbp hello Hornby, Johnson, blblblbp, enjoying a drink I see.”

Hornby: “Ah Clancy, Clancy, come and have a drink, me and Johnson were just about to…” and he falls into uncontrollable giggles “Mwaaerk!” Johnson joins in. Clancy notes that of their number at least Hornby is really pissed. “Sorry Clancy, Clancy. Oh Clancy the nancy, have drink of wild Turkey!” and he falls about laughing again, this time the Johnsons look perturbed thinking maybe they have overdone it on him with the sherry.

Clancy: “Have you seen blblblblp Euro-Bikle anywhere?” Clancy ventures anyway. But all Hornby can manage is to kind of ape Clancy’s gobbling noise before sicking all over the table a mass of peanuts, crackers and sherry-bile. The Johnson’s look at one another in a kind of ‘oh fuck’ type way, which tells the Turkey everything he needs

Clancy: “Blblblblp, you two seem to be in a spot of bother here blblblbp, Morris sees him like that, furnace for you blblblblblbp! Am I right?” The Johnsons nod sheepishly. “BLblblbllp come along with me quickly, bring him too, can help you with this blblblblblp!” And so seeing that down one path of existence their fate is sealed they decide that maybe the Turkey can help them, so slinging the groaning Hornby over one of their shoulders they follow Clancy out of a previously unseen exit of the beer tent which miraculously leads back to the van with the monicker “vance Cuddenhall’ on it, he bustles them inside and the door slams behind all four characters.

Published in: on April 15, 2016 at 3:24 pm  Leave a Comment  

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