Blind Date.

The scene is Morris’s house, Yolanda, in a nice green frock, is putting on some earrings in the hall mirror. “Morris, are you nearly ready? The taxi’s going to be here any minute.” Morris is in the living room staring at a pile of timber. “Ready for what my little porous weed suppressant membrane? I thought you wanted me to put these shelves up?” “Oh for god’s sake Morris, I asked you to do that in late August 2009. We’re going out for a meal remember? With Bethany from my work, and SB?” “That does not sound very much like the sort of thing I would agree to Yolanda, I wish to register an objection. Besides, Handy Man Johnson has brought his Black and Decker workmate round specially. Who is this Bethany you speak of anyway? Does she need burning to death?” “Morris! No! No burning anybody to death! She’s my colleague that I told you about, her husband ran off with another woman, and ever since she’s been really unhappy. She’s lovely, but she’s got no self-esteem whatsoever. I’ve been trying to find her someone nice, but at short notice, all I could come up with was Oily Sex Mad Johnson or SB.” “I can give OSM Johnson a call if you like?” “I’ve texted him, he’s on standby. To be honest I flipped a coin.” “Very well my little trimaran, I shall accompany you on this I’ll omened gustatory jaunt, but I doubt whether aught good will eventuate.” Yolanda is about to reply, when there is the sound of a car horn outside. Morris and she exit. Having picked up Bethany, who is a pleasant looking, extremely shy mousy haired woman in her early thirties, they proceed to the centre of town. Having paid off the taxi, they walk up to the restaurant. Morris has been really quite civil, and Yolanda is chatting away, clearly somewhat apprehensive as to what Bethany will say when she lays eyes on her blind date for the evening. Outside the appointed establishment, there is no sign of Bikle. Yolanda looks around irritably. “Where can he be? I told him 7 sharp.” Bethany looks nervous and slightly guilty, as if it is somehow her fault. “Oh I would not be overly concerned my little amateur herpetologist, he has probably just missed his bus, or been burned to death or something.” Morris lights a roll up, “can you hear something Yolanda?” From behind an adjacent advertising hoarding comes a “Pssst! Pssst!” sound. Yolanda peers into the shadows, “who’s there?” “It’s be Bikle! Is de coast clear?”
Yolanda is already beginning to regret embarking upon this whole affair, but she plunges on anyway. “What are you doing hiding behind a sign?” “Ho I dod’t like cobig out of de house buch, with everybody strarig at be, and whisperig.” Bethany nods quietly to herself, his words obviously having struck a chord with her. Yolanda however has no time for him. “Just get yourself out here pronto will you? “Somewhat embarrassedly he emerges from his hiding place. He has, it appears, made something of an effort, having put on his best black jeans and cloak combo and run a damp cloth over his pixie boots, but still, it must be conceded, looks far from being quite the catch. Bethany however does not appear to be actively repulsed, going so far as to smile shyly at him. Encouraged, Yolanda ushers the party into the restaurant. A bald headed, stooping waiter appears, “Ho, h’good h’evening ladies and h’gentlemen, h’welcome to the h’Gilded Clam. “h’table for four h’is it, or perhaps you have a reservation” Yolanda interjects “Yes we do have a reservation, Yolanda, 7 o clock” “Ho yes h’miss, h’follow h’me” The bald waiter shows them through a slightly shabbily decorated restaurant to a four seated table with one side adjacent to the wall. Above the table is the picture of a large angry looking tiger which gives the impression of being a curious left over from an Indian restaurant even though elsewhere it is clear it is a sea for speciality eatery. “Ho h’take a h’seat please” the waiter pulls their seats out for them to sit down on with medium competence, but nothing embarrassing and then addresses them again “Ho ‘now, can I h’get you h’anything dewspaper perhaps?” Morris shoots him an evil look “H’I bean drinks, h’anyone for drinks h’eeeh?” Yolanda can see a potential problem arising concerning early evening incineration and tries to save the situation “I think we’re all right for a moment Simon, can you just let us get comfortable for moment.” “Ho h’well if you wanted to be h’more comfortable h’I might have a suggestion” Bethany looks on half confused, half intrigued, seeing this interest Simon addresses her directly “You for h’instance miss, h’if you take your top h’off you might be 20% more h’comfortable!” “I am not finding this amusing Yolanda!” “Look Simon give us the menus and fuck off eh?” “Ho h’of course miss, h’anything for a chum!” Yolanda, who once again has somehow repressed the nature of this world in the into the delusion that she might actually have a night out and in the process help a work colleague, looks at him witheringly before he finally hands out the menus and leaves. No sooner has he gone though than a couple of other curly haired waiters turn up to the table. “Uhuhuh can we get you a drink uhuhuh with our tools?” Bikle looks aghast “Ho god, dis is awful, can’t you burd dem to death or something Borris?” “Nothing would give me greater please SB, however I am under strict instructions to incinerate no one until past 23:00, hence until that time I will remain an implacably pleasant dinner guest, at least up to a point” Bethany is really confused now “err maybe we should just get drinks from them?” “Dot likely, I dow how dat will end!” “Err Morris, maybe you could get maître d’Johnson out here instead?” “No sooner said than done my sweet” “uhuhuh don’t worry we’ll fetch him with our tools!” and now the idiots begin to shuffle about, now to the left now the right “uhuhuh he’s not over here, Uhuhuhuh he’s not over there” Yolanda already looks ready to cry and indeed its Bethany who now is looking the more composed female of the group. “So Sb how’s it been going?” pipes up Morris in a cheery pally kind of way that quite takes Bikle by surprise “Berr its alright, I haven’t beed out buch, I got a playstation 4 but I don’t have ady gabes for it yet so it sits dere in de box.” Morris is clearly tried by this statement “and why would you do that?” “Berr I saved by bedefits up for it, but de gabes are too expensive” Bethany looks a little surprised “Oh SB are you on benefits? I thought Yolanda said you worked in IT?” Yolanda tries to look at Bikle in a way that he should play along but he has no clue “IT, dot likely, I stay at hobe bost days watching videos and boiling water!” he enthuses. Bethany looks at Yolanda in a ‘what the fuck?’ type way. Morris, bless him actually tries to help “Ho ho SB you are a kidder, boiling water and benefits indeed, no SB works for me heading up my new IT department don’t you SB, he’s very fond of animating characters for social media consumption?” Bikle looks horrified and goes bright red but then sort of sees Bethany is just confused and partially impressed “Oh so what do you do with characters? Is that like flash animation?” “Ho ho I should say it is!” “Berr I badimate dem into stories, for Borris, you dow.” he continues trying to go with the deception “Oh really, what kind of stories?” “Berr stories about, you dow…” everyone looks expectantly on at him “berr pridcesses and berr boilig water” clearly he’s floundering, Bethany is very confused, she looks back to Morris “and you sell his ‘stories’ online, are they good?” Morris is about to cheerfully answer when Maître D Johnson comes over to take the drinks order. Yolanda breaths a sigh of relief. “Thank heavens for that, I could murder a drink. Large vodka and GB please Johnson.” Morris orders a Skol, Bikle a small bersierneaux and diet coke. After some protests, Bethany is persuaded to have a glass of white wine. Johnson returns with the drinks almost immediately, and Yolanda swigs hers down in one. “Same again please Johnson,” she looks around her at the seedy restaurant with its oddly mismatched brick a brac, the three idiot waiters gitting about in the corner, then at her dining companions. “In fact Johnson, perhaps you should just leave the bottle and keep the Goose Boosts coming.” Pouring herself another, she resumes her hostessing. “I have to say I’m looking forward to this, the food is supposed to be very good here. Has everyone had a look at the menu?” “Hi bost certaidly have!” “Did you see anything you fancy?” “You bet I did! I bead, would you look at de fodt odd dat!” Bethany looks at him quizzically, and Yolanda shoots him a warning glance. “I bead, berr, it’s a very dice looking bedu, dicely laid out, you dow, us creative types appreciate a bit of quality desigd. Berrr, I think dat I’ll try de, de, de, oh de whatever dat is dere, I’b sure dat it will be delicious.” “OK SB, and you Beth? Anything leaping out at you?” “Sorry? Oh, I see ha ha, erm, I’ll just have an omelette I think.” “Omelette eh?” interjects Morris, “Didn’t you use to have an omelette related job SB?” “Obelette related? Ho you bust bead whed I used to work id fradvertisig.” Bethany looks impressed, “Ooh, advertising, that sounds glamorous, I’ve seen programmes about it. They all call each other by their initials don’t they? Is that why they call you SB? What does it stand for?” He squirms a bit, and looks to Yolanda for assistance, but again it is Morris who comes to the rescue. “Smart Boy. Good old Smart Boy. That’s what we often find ourselves saying at work, oh yes. Will those You Tube clips be ready for the new sales drive Morris? They say, do not worry about it I reply, Good old Smart Boy has got it in hand.” Yolanda and Bikle both look at him gratefully, and with no small surprise. “What do you want Morris? What about a nice surf and turf?” He frowns, leafing through the menu, “Frankly nothing really inspired me my little carved walnut wainscot, I had been hoping for an All Day…” “All Danish menu? Sorry darling, the Danish place is closed on Tuesdays.” “No Yolanda, an All Day Br…” “An old hay bream? A bream cooked in old hay? Like they do on masterchef? I don’t think they do that here. Why don’t you ask the waiter if they do any specials?” As soon as the words are spoken, she realises that in preventing one disaster, she has in all probability down the seeds of another, as Simon appears once again. “You again is it slaphead? What do you suggest?” “Ho, h’I’d recommend the Prawns h’sir!” “No. I am not particularly fond of seafood, what else have you got?” Simon draws himself up to his full height, a smug expression across his face. “Ho, h’I’d recommend the Prawns again! Frole!” One of his shoes begins to smoulder, and Morris looks longingly at the clock, which sadly only reads half past 7. With an effort he controls himself and orders Steak and chips. Yolanda is touched and gives him an affectionate peck on the cheek. Things are going a great deal better than she had dared hope. “Well that just leaves me then. I think that I’ll have the jugged hare.” “H’very h’good madam, one steak and chips, one omelette, jugged hare and haricots braised in jus d’pomidor. Coming h’right up. Would anyone care to order a starter?” “Ho ho not unless it’s a fire starter!” Yolanda shoots him a look. Bethany looks up “oh do you like the prodigy?” The others look confused, then Bikle chimes cheerfully in “berr I don’t bind the prod bit eh Bethany?!” Yolanda changes the direction of the stare quickly. Bethany looks like she hasn’t understood properly and then cheerily says “So has anyone been watching the new series of Astro-Bikle?” Bikle nearly spits out his out newly delivered coke. Yolanda doesn’t know what to do with it “Err no, but did you see the new series of ‘Wiry Castles’, the characters are so realistic!” “I don’t like ‘wiry castles’ it’s too unbelievable, for you know a period soap. But that Astro-Bikle show, it’s so funny and he’s such a strange character!” “But he’s quide cool too wouldn’t you say Bethady?” “Hmm I don’t know about cool, he’s daring obviously, but a bit freakish in appearance” “Yes but dot dat freakish really!” “Well quite freakish! But intriguing too, wait on a minute what the???!” Bethany’s eyes are wide they seem to be starting at Bikle in sudden amazement “Ho doticing something dere Bethady?” Bikle sounds smug and looks a little preening “Look, omg!” says and involuntarily places her hand on his, he now can see she isn’t in fact looking at him but looking straight beyond him “Isn’t that, Astro Bikle over there??” Bikle cranes his head round to see. On a table just a little way further into the restaurant is a figure with long black hair and glasses with an astronaut’s helmet resting nearby. The figure is eating some kind of wildfowl and washing it down with a nice red wine. In truth this is the end of the similarity and unless some kind glamorous effect is happening Bethany must be particularly short sighted for the figure also sports a tweed jacket and has a beak. As Bikle turns round to see this, the figure gives him a wink. “He winked at us!” Bethany gushes “this is so exciting, we were just talking about his show and there he is! I’m going to say hi!” “Berr don’t do dat, dat’s dot Astro-Bikle, it’s dat Turkey bastard!” Bethany looks at him, and back to ‘Astro-Bikle’ “What do you mean ‘that turkey bastard’? What ‘turkey bastard’? Come on Yolanda, look at him, it is Astro-Bikle right?” “Umm I’m not sure Beth, maybe” she cringes “but you were telling us why you don’t like Wiry castles!” “I do not like Wiry Castles, it is a pointless program, all those wizards and dragons and blizzards and flagons, and gizzards and wagon wheels, I have not had a wagon wheel for a while Yolanda I feel now may be the time for this is a restaurant is it not and as such should be fit to fill my desire for a wagon wheel. Waiter! Waiter!” Yolanda doesn’t know what fire to put out “Now dear, you were going to have the steak and chips remember!” “Steaking chips my perianal idiopathy? That does not seem like the kind of thing I would enjoy, are they vampire chips? Chips from beyond the grave? You might frighten our guest with such undead solanaceae. But Bethany is not sat down any more, she is up and over to see ‘Astro-Bikle’ with a napkin for an autograph.  “Excuse me, I couldn’t help noticing you from over where I’m out with some friends, but aren’t you… aren’t you the Astro Bikle actor??” the Turkey looks up in feigned shock “Blblbp oh dear, blblblblp rumbled, no hiding things from you is there young lady?  Blblblp, out for the evening, dish of game, braised parsnips, vintage merlot, how can I help you?” “Oh gosh, I’m so surprised you don’t have security or something around you, how have people not spotted you?” “Blblbllp, low key figure, only perceptive people recognise me, blblblp you must be special, care to pull up a pew?” “Oh I’d love to, but I’m with these people over here” “BLblblblp, look like losers, sit with me” “hmm they are a bit weird” she whispers and he chuckles endearingly “ok hang on I’ll make my excuses” and she hurries back to the table, where Morris can be seen wildly gesticulating with his hands.

Red faced with excitement, Bethany almost scampers back to the table, ignoring Morris, who is expostulating about the inadvisability of snakes on ships, she grabs Yolanda’s hand, “I know it’s really really rude of me Yolanda, after you’ve gone to so much trouble, but he’s asked me to join him! A famous actor! I’m so giddy, you don’t mind do you?” Yolanda is about to attempt to warn her, but again, has one of her almost prophetic flashes of how her evening would pan out. At least if Clancy is occupied, perhaps she can keep Morris occupied and prevent an outbreak of the usual feuding and the mayhem it brings in its wake. Sighing, she decides that the best and easiest course is for her to sacrifice her friend, especially as she doesn’t really see how she is going to explain the glamour, the Turkey and all the rest of it. “No, no, not at all, how exciting! Astro Bikle eh? Lucky you. Now run along and have a lovely time, and you can tell me all about it tomorrow.” “Oh, thank you Yolanda, I knew you’d understand, Sorry SB, I guess it wasn’t meant to be.” So saying, she scurries back to Clancy’s table, where he stands and seats her with old world courtesy. Yolanda drains her Vodka and GB and puts herself another. Morris has by this time run through any number of homophones and arrived back where he started. “Actually that sounds quite tasty, do you know Yolanda, I quite fancy steak and chips, where’s that dreadful waiter?” “You’ve already ordered that Morris, it should be here in a minute. Would you like another Skol?” Bikle, who has been sat there fuming, bursts out, “Dever bind dat, you said dat your bate dere was desperate, ad dere was a rebote chadce of be getting sobe sdatch! Dow she’s rud off wid dat turkey ad I’b stuck here wid you!” Yolanda shrugs. “Tough luck Romeo, you had your chance. I should have opted for OSM Johnson, he’d be doing her in the bin yard by now. You can make yourself scarce as far as I’m concerned.” He looks chastened and hurt. “Dod’t I at least get by free beal? It’s a week till giro day ad Buckle bade a sdowbad out of all by bakig potatoes.” Yolanda relents. “Oh go on then, seeing as how I promised. But you’d better behave yourself.” Bikle assures her, “Ho dod’t you worry, I’ll be od by best behaviour, de perfect gedtlebad.” It should be noted however, that he is constantly glaring across at the table near the window, where Bethany, who has clearly had more than one glass of wine, is flirting blatantly with Astro Clancy, and muttering under his breath. “Dat turkey bastard, it’s beed ages, de bitch was putty I’d by hands, ad dow she’s ball over hib,” Yolanda is about to remonstrate with him, when Maître D Johnson arrives with the food. Morris, who had been showing dangerous signs of impatience, and who had also been glaring at his foe, is quite placated by the arrival of his large and toothsome looking steak, served with a mound of crispy golden chips and all the traditional garnishes, and is soon chomping happily away. “Not quite Albert Jackson my dear, but most acceptable. How is your jugged hare?” “It’s actually really nice. How’s yours SB? You’re not eating?” “How’s it’s just sobe baked beads. Do frills baked beads at dat. Just like I bake at hobe!” Simon appears, “H’everything h’in h’order h’sir?” “By didder! It’s just beads! Baked beads!” “Ho yes h’sir, I thought you’d be pleased!” “But I’b dot pleased! I could have had dese at hobe!” Morris chuckles, “Ho ho. That’s what you ordered shit stuff, now pipe down and eat yer shit beans.” Simon reappears and tips the contents of a small bowl onto Bikle’s plate. “H’there you h’good sir.” “What’s dis buck?” “Ho, h’traditiodal h’accompliment to beans h’sir: turnips and salt!” Bikle angrily tries a forkful. “Bohhh! Dat’s disgustig! It just tastes of salt, bi cad’t eat dat!” “Nobody cares SB,” interjects Yolanda, just have another drink.” “I bloody well will den, get be a bersierneaux od de rocks! Ad bake it a large ode!” When his drink appears, he knocks it back in one, and orders another. Morris and Yolanda are happily eating and chatting almost like a normal couple, and are ignoring him completely. He looks across to where Astro Clancy is holding forth about something or other, while Bethany gazes raptly at him. He resumes his muttering. “Dot gettig laid, dot getting dice posh beal, dis is rubbish. What a dight out dis has turned out to be!” He catches sight of his empty glass. “Dow dere’s ad idea, bat least I can get sobethig out of dis fiasco!” He gestures to Simon, “Get be adother couple of dese bad boys, ad keep deb cobig!,” Simon obliges, and before long, Bikle, unused to anything stronger than Shandy Bass, and not having eaten, is more than a little pissed. His muttering has grown louder, his resentful glares more obvious. Catching sight of one such barbed look, Clancy pauses from feeding Bethany strawberries and champagne, and jauntily struts over to where Simon is standing, near to Bikle’s chair, ready with the dangerously depleted beursineaux bottle. “Blplplpl! Excuse me waiter,” he begins in a stage whisper, clearly intended for Bikle, “Wonder if can help. Only carrying large notes. Hot date as can see. Guaranteed to put out. No need to be embarrassed eh? All men of world. Need pound coin. Certain vending machine. Gentlemen’s conveniences. blbplplblp! Catch drift?” Simon promptly produces the requisite coin, “H’there you h’good h’sir! H’anything for a chum! Give her one for me!” “blblblp, disgusting insinuation, trying to scrub that from mind.” “Ho h’and I’m trying to think about it harder sir!” the Turkey looks at him without absolute disdain but takes the pound and walks back to Bethany. Back at the table Morris suddenly waves cheerily at the entrance of a figure. “Who is it Morris? Who are you waving to?” “Why it’s our old friend Harrison Ford Yolanda” “Harrison Ford? What the fuck are you talking about?” “What are YOU talking about Yolanda? Harrison Ford is a longstanding friend of ours. Do you not remember he starred in the poorly performing movie ‘Comte de Bersierneaux’ as his old friend Leonard, why I can still recall the trailer line now ‘Ah Alfonso could you possibly lend me a couple of pounds until giro day?’  I must regret I never saw the rest of the film as it looked utter tripe, indeed I shouldn’t really have invested the funds in it but hindsight is a wonderful thing is it not?” “Harrison Ford? Are you sure?” “Seeing is believing my sweet, behold” And the gestures to the figure standing nearby. Yolanda, now quite pissed, looks on. It looks like Harrison Ford, Morris says hello and it sounds like Harrison Ford.  He even says hello to her and she finds herself a little giddy. “Hello Harrison, are you having a nice evening??” “Yes Yolanda I am, how’s book club?” “Oh you know, err bookish, hahaha” Morris looks at her askance “that is a poor quality comment my little Hampstead heath pervert, I’m sorry Harrison, perhaps you would like to join us.” “Ah yes that would be nice? And who’s the gangly fellow there?” “Oh SB don’t worry about him, he’s upset because he didn’t get that girl over there!” and Yolanda gestures to the Turkey and Bethany. “Hi SB nice meet you, hey you look kind of familiar to me, are you in movies?” “Ho ho SB is a bit of viral hit aren’t you SB?” Bikle looks round drunkenly from his staring at Bethany and Clancy “Oh don’t start with dat agaid, dere’s worst thigs in de world dan wanking over a potato coupon you dow, speaking of which where is dat bedu de bitch!” “ho ho SB has a thing for flyers, menus and the like don’t you SB, look here’s the wine list, is that any good” Bikle snatches the wine list from him and stares avidly at it, clearly embarking on a kind of quality control. After a moment he seems satisdfied, “I’b off to the bathroob with Bethady Widehouse here” he says with a gleeful look and without shame wanders across the room clutching the laminated sheet.  At this moment the Turkey can also be seen to be making his excuses to Bethany to go to the bathroom. Harrison occupies Bikle’s old seat and orders a drink and a baked potato. “Why the empty seat?” he enquires “oh” Yolanda begins “we had a double date but she abandoned SB for that Turkey over there” “That gangly pissed man for a Turkey eh? Tough call for him” “I’ll say” “she looks nice enough though, too nice for a Turkey” and he looks over at her. At that moment Bethany looks over too and catches Harrison’s eye. Suddenly her eyes are even wider. She looks at Yolanda quizzically, Yolanda nods and she gets up. “Oh my gods, you can’t be, you really can’t be?” “Have you met Harrison before?” says Morris, looking genuinely confused “Harrison Ford, it is you! What are you doing here?” “I was just in town and visiting my old friend Morris, why don’t you join us there seems to be a spare seat” “That would be rude, I mean I was just sat  with the actor who plays Astro Bikle and he’s soo charming, but you, you’re Harrison Ford” “Your choice sweetie” “I’ll get my plate, he’ll understand, can we move SBs things over there? I mean that’s better isn’t it?” So quickly they pile his cloak, beans and leftover drink at the turkeys table and all sit down together. “Yolanda, how do you know all these exciting people? This is like the most amazing night, let’s have some more drinks!” and they order another round. In the bathroom the Turkey has just entered and is looking round for the prophylactic machine. There seems to be noises coming from one of the cubicles, he pauses to listen and can make out a whispered falsetto “Oh its super Bikle, so dats why they call you SB” and then Bikle’s own voice “dats right girlie Biss Widehouse, dow I’ve got subthig dat will really bake you wide!” “Oh SB, dis is buch better dan being stuck at dat table wid de boorish Turkey.” The Turkey bridles at this and raps on the cubicle door before loudly interjecting “Not true! Blblblblp preferred date, all things fair in love and war, what are you doing in there blblblblblbp?” “Holy fuck! Dothing dothing. Just berr listedig to de radio, whilst havig a dump.” “Unlikely, blblblbp, heard about you, blblbp anyway must retrieve prize prophylactic for hot date blblblblbp toodle oo!” And outside the cubicle Bikle can hear the clinking and whirring of the coin and condom machine. “Bah!” he exclaims with futility looking down his wilting member and Bethany Winehouse. Something within him cannot help but speak again in the falsetto “Super Bikle what’s happened?” “It was dat Turkey bastard, but don’d worry, I’ll be good agaid id a bidute…”

Back at the table, Yolanda is quite curious about Harrison Ford’s behaviour as he’s now ordered 3 bottles of extra virgin olive oil and seems very pleased about this though Morris doesn’t bat an eyelid and chats cordially “Nice to see you, as always Johns…, er Harrison. Lovely little restaurant this, very popular with the celebrities an’ all that. Same again is it everyone?” Yolanda peers at him closely, then shrugs. “Fuck it, why not? What are we doing after this? Not much open on a Tuesday, late on. There’s always Johnson’s Karaoke Palace I suppose.” Bethany, who is now clinging to Harrison’s arm, squeals with delight. “Ooooh can we go there? I love Karaoke, I bet you have a lovely singing voice Mr Ford.” Morris smiles a vaguely malicious smile “Ho ho, what is everybody’s hurry? We have not yet had our sweet course, and I particularly wish to ensure that everyone gets their desserts, ho ho ho.” Yolanda glances at Morris uneasily, if a bit blearily, then once again shrugs and downs another vgb. Clancy emerges from the gents, with a bit of a strut in his walk, straightening his cravat somewhat smugly, until he sees Bethany’s empty chair, and whirling, sees her back at Morris and Yolanda’s table. His eyes pop comedically as he takes in the scene. “Blbplplblp! What’s going on? Outrageous business! Blbplplblp! Return at once! Ready to pitch woo!” Bethany giggles at him drunkenly. “Oh poor Astro Bockle, poor poor poor old Ashtray Bottle. Has naughty Bethany run off with somebody more famoush than you? Never mind, I’m sure you’ll find shomebody nice.” Clancy is livid. “Blplplpl! More famous! Just Oily Sex Mad Johnson! Morris put a glamour on him!” Bethany giggles again “You are funny Ostrich Battle! Funny little man!’ before slumping tipsily against Harrison/Johnson’s chest. “Blblblp! Warning you! Johnson pervert! Wait till you too drunk to resist, then it’s out with the oil and off with tweeds! Wake up with terrible headache, sense of self loathing! Weeks before feathers feel clean again! Blplplpl!” Yolanda sprays the table with vodka and goose boost. Clancy realises that he has said too much. “Blbplplblp! So I hear! Allegedly!” “Ho ho ho! Sounds like our Butterball bastard is just another notch on Johnson’s well-greased bedpost!” “Ha ha ha ha! Oh Clancy, you must of been pretty “well lubricated” to fall for that one!” “Ho ho, most amusing my little tortoiseshell hairbrush, give us another one!” “Hee Hee, that’s what Clancy said! Oily to bed oily to rise eh Clance?” “Blbplplblp! Stop this! Most undignified! Anyone can make a mistake!” “Well you certainly slipped up there didn’t you?” “Ho ho, now that’s what Clancy said Yolanda!” “Really!” Morris and Yolanda continue to guffaw and toss barbed comment at the flustered red faced turkey, who grows increasingly distressed. “Blbplplb! Slut shaming! Poor Clancy! Blblblp!” “Never mind Clance, oil’s well that ends well eh?” “Ho ho Yolanda, do not be so crude! Off to the Mediterranean for you holidays are you, you turkey bastard? Heard you like a bit of Greece!” “Blplp! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Nothing to be ashamed of! Young and starved of affection. My body, and will do with it as I please!” Yolanda hoots and cheers, “You go girl!”


Seeing there is little to be gained from pursuing the discussion Clancy returns huffily to his seat. At this moment Bikle returns from the bathroom, clutching Bethany Winehouse and looking pleased with himself. Upon seeing the now full table he is arrested. “H’what’s goig od? Who’s id by seat? Who is dis?” “Ah SB…” says Morris, “You have been relocated to Clancy’s table, you’re things are already there” “But I was sittig here, and Bethady’s back, who is dis?” Oily Sex Mad Harrison looks round at Bikle “Ah SB, yes sorry about that, hope you don’t mind?” “Oh bi god?! Harrisod Ford! What are you doig here?” “I popped in to see my old friend Morris and met this delightful young lady, I’ve been trying to butter her up ever since!” Bikle looks at him quizzically, it seems an odd choice of phrase, but it is Harrison Ford he decides, he was in Blade Runner so he can say pretty much what he wants. Frankly further cognitive processes reveal it is futile to compete for Bethany’s affections with Harrison Ford, so he decides to leave, then pauses a moment “Berr Harrisod, cad you do be ode favour!” “If I can SB?” “Cad you do de lide from de Comte de Bersierneaux filb trailer?” “Of course ok, so I’m dressed as Leonard and I walk up to Alfonso and say ‘Ah Alfonso can you possibly lend me a tenner until next Tuesday?’ to which Alfonso replies:” and he looks at Bikle to do the line “Berr oui b’sieur take twenty!, ho dat was Barvellous!” “Thanks don’t mind if I do!” says Harrison, who now has a twenty pound note in his hand “By last £20, give dat back!” “Oh thanks SB!” says Yolanda taking the money “that’ll pay for your drinks” “But you said you’d pay for de drinks and de dasty beads!” “I’ll pay for the beans ok, now can you go over there where your cloak is, your kind of in the way” A waiter appears behind him “H’o h’yes sir, your blocking the h’thoroughfair, h’move h’please!”  Morris gestures for him to move and Bethany waves a cutesy bye bye, Harrison looks on mockingly, stroking a bottle of olive oil. “Do bodey, do beal, do sdatch, sittig wid de Turkey, dis is frawful!” and he shuffles over to where is cloak is and the two of them sit there muttering together. “So Bethany…” says OSM Harrison “What you say we take a walk to that Karaoke bar and let me butter you up some more there!” Bethany is almost questioning the situation, “Harrison you don’t need to butter me up, I’m yours (if you want me)” she whispers the last part. But frankly Harrison seems more interested in the butter “I like buttering you up Bethany, it makes me feel good” “ooh you’re such a charmer!” “Are we going Morris?” Yolanda intones, you mentioned son of Dracula Johnson was having a go at Gnarls Barkley’s Crazy, I’d like to see that if we can get there in time.” “Very well my little agricultural cybernetic inevitability, let us flee this plaice, ho ho see what I did there?” They get up, toss some notes, including Bikle’s £20 on the table. Harrison Ford incongruously rummages in his jacket pocket and produces a string bag, into which he places the bottles of olive oil. The couples leave but Morris insists he must use the bathroom himself. Yolanda says she’ll wait for him whilst Harrison suggests he and Bethany wait outside. A few minutes pass and Morris re-emerges, he and Yolanda step out onto the pavement at the front of the restaurant. There’s a curious spectacle frankly. A man roughly is running hell for leather along the pavement to where they stand. Except they don’t all stand there. Bethany and Harrison in fact are just disappearing into a cab. Harrison winks at Morris who smiles drily back. Bethany shoots a giggly glance at the Yolanda before disappearing into the back seat. The running man seems upset by their disappearance or something about it anything, as he draws closer he can be heard “Bethany! Bethany Ledley! Bethany! It’s me Bryan!” but she didn’t hear him or see him. As his legs thunder him with futility towards the departing cab, Yolanda and Morris can see the man is in a considerable state, he sports no trousers, he’s dirty and dishevelled from head to foot and his body is quite emaciated “Fuck! Fuck! Bethanyyyyy!” he screams at the distant vehicle. “Morris,” Yolanda starts, quite alarmed “I think that’s Bethany’s husband, he disappeared months ago, she told me he’d run away with another woman, what’s going on?” “I couldn’t say with certainty my chiropractic pedometer, though the gentleman is vaguely familiar to me, I do believe I issued some advice to him at some earlier juncture…”







Published in: on August 8, 2016 at 9:54 am  Leave a Comment