Deleted Scenes.

Here at Bikle central we sometimes have excess that we just don’t need. Some of it I think is worth shovelling out there, if only to keep something coming until the latest madness is released (and it is in the pipeline).

This little section never made to the recently released blind date sketch.

“I do not like clam chowder! Look buckle there’s cheese on the menu, don’t you like that?” “do borris dats dot be dats by fridiot brother!” “what are you saying? I am rather partial to cheese. This is a restaurant. Did you or did you not think there would be cheese here, now answer carefully!” “berr well by suppose I thought there would be here, but dats different!” “in what wise is it different?” “well dere’s bound to be cheese here, frits a restaurant!” “but is it not also true that your so called idiot brother does in fact find cheese in these other place.” “yes but but by don’t dow how dat happeds.” “the fact remains it would seem, that he is correct on these many occasions and you are mistaken, is that right?”   “berr well, yes but its always, sub kind of stupid place, dat bakes do sedse!” “so he is able to perceive this truth better than yourself whereas you struggle with the assertion that there will be cheese even in a restaurant!” “I didn’ struggle”  “silence shitty! It seems to me you are the idiot and the smarter part of the act has been left at home, I give my apologies to yolandas work colleague who has been lumbered with your deadbeatness” meekly workmate “I like cheese too.”  “see even she knows!”
A brief toying with the Turkey in a Mr Tickle suit:

“Ho loog Biggle! (For some reason I really like toffee chewing Buckle voice) H’it’s Bister Tiggle! You cad tiggle be Buster Toggle!” “Blplplplp! Very well! Come here! There you go! What about you sir? Fancy a tickle?” “Dot likely! You keep deb hads to yourself dere!” “Come along all good clean fun!”

Morris’ Beans Advert:
Morris employing sb for his advert for a brand of beans entitled ‘some beans’ and using his internet celebrity status for this. Bikle started reading the script probably at gun point. “I like sobe beads more dan the dext ban, and dis week we’ve got a voucher offer on de underside of the label. I’b dot reading dis, people will rebemeber dat voucher dodsedse.”

And another from Blind Date:
“Ho ho it’s not the only thing that’s a bit dim in here SB, by which I am referring to you by the way. Sit yourself down or I will burn you to death.” “But I, I, berrr, *snatches glasses from face* I forgot by sbectacles! Back I’d a bobedt!” “Park it right there piss bag. No sneaking off for a little jig a jig with the bill of fare, I know what you’re like. One minute it’s all nicey nice, next minute you’ll be rolling about panting on the cold damp tiles of the gents, sans culottes as it were, frantically stimulating yourself as if there was no tomorrow, which incidentally, for you there may well not be at this rate, and next thing you know an outraged headwaiter has taken away our bread sticks and shown us the door, whilst meanwhile the CCTV footage of you wrestling with yourself has become #1 hit on YouTube.”

And another:
“May I recommend the h’seafood h’platter?” “I am not a fan of seafood. What else have you got?” “Ho, I’ll just h’reccommend the h’prawns again! Frole!” *whooosh!* “H’aaaaaieee!” “Ho ho ho, that’s him burnt to death eh ‘Landa?” ” Morris! You promised!” “So I did my little prismatic compass, so I did. However to make it up to him, I have given him a starring role in this years pantomime.” “What on earth are you talking about Morris? How can he be in a pantomime? You have reduced him to ash!” “Ho ho exactly! He can play Cinders! Ho ho most amusing.”
Voucher related short:

One day to Bikle, Buckle did say, “Ho! Let’s go for a stroll, it’s a h’lovely day!” “You bust be jokig!” came Bikle’s response, “I’b sick of deb shoutig ‘Oi! Voucher dodce!” “Ho dod’t be like dat!” Buckle enthused,  but once and again Bikle refused. “I don’t wadt to ramble, to stray or to roab, I’d rather just boil sobe water at hobe!” But from a nice stroll Buckle won’t be dissuaded, and by constant repetition, soon Bikle’s persuaded. “Ball right, ball right! But wid just ode proviso, first I bust fide sobe kide of disguise o!” “Ho! I love dressig up!” Comes Buckle’s glad cry, “At the Cat Charity Gala, fadcy dress I did buy!” He scoots to the wardrobe and undoes the locks, then puffing and panting he drags out a box. He draws out a duck suit that smells strongly of piss, guilelessly asks “Ho what about dis?” Bikle groans “By god you’re retarded!” and for obvious reasons the duck suit’s discarded.

And another:

“Bikle! Cad I cobe idto de bedroob?” “Do! Do! Dod’t cobe id! Dere’s.. A tiger. Dat’s it, dere’s a tiger id here. Go ad play wid your gabes while I get rid of it.” “But dat’s de probleb Bikle, I wadted to play botor car, but I cad’t fide by toy autobobile adywhere. Have you seed it?” “Do I have bost certaidly dot. Dow leave be id peace to deal wid dis ferocious tiger!” *makes unconvincing growling noise.* (quietly, to himself.) “Dow ded, where was I? Ho yes. Broob broob! Screech. Hello dere youg lady, wadt a lift? (falsetto) Ho yes please bister, I’ve dever beed id a sborts car before. (normal voice) Ho you’d better hop id ded, but I bust ward you, I like to go hard ad fast, so you bight be id for a bumpy ride, O.O.O. (falsetto) I like de soud of dat! (normal) You dow, a youg girl like you should’t be hitch hikig out here od dis deserted lodely road od your owd. Dere’s a lot of dasty perverts out dere ad adythig could happed to you ad your defedceless firb youg body…” *knock knock* “Ho Bikle has de tiger gode? I wadt by barbles frob de toy cupboard.” “Ho for god’s sake Buckle’ cad’t you give be a bobedt’s peace? I was just about to cripple de bitch, I bead, de tiger. Grapple de tiger. Id order to rebove it frob de bedroob.”


More still:
“Cad we go to de buseub to see de didosaurs Bikle? We haved’t left de flat in bodths!” “Dot likely! I’b dot goig out dere to be abused ad hubiliated agaid!” “Dod’t be like dat Bikle! Cobe od, get your togs od! I wad’t to see de big brodtosaurus!” “Ho I suppose dat we should go out evedtually, baybe by idterdet dotoriety has beed eclipsed by sobe dew sedsatiod, ad I suppose de buseub is dot a bad place to sdart, at least people dere will be educated types dat have better thigs to do dad watch sdupid youtube videos dat were faked adyway.” “Dat’s de spirit Bikle! Cobe od!” By sticking to the back streets they manage to reach the museum with only a few shouts of abuse and a muffled snigger from the lady at the front desk. Buckle skips about the dinosaur exhibit delightedly whilst Bikle lurks glumly behind a skeletal triceratops, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.
Although a few people nudge each other and point, there is no real hostility and Bikle slowly gains confidence, believing that the whole business has more or less blown over, allowing himself an indulgent smile as Buckle gambols  over on all fours. “Bikle! Bikle! Look at be! I’b a diplodocus!” “Dat’s dice Buckle, you dow I’b begiddig to thigk dat dis wasd’t a bad Idea of yours for odce. You get a better class of people here.” “What do you bead Bikle?” “De people here, dey are id a better class.” “Dot dose boys over dere dey’re dot Bikle, dey are id de daughty boys class at by school. Dey are always bisbehavig. Hello dere boys, dis is by brother, he’s od de idterdet you dow!” Bikle cringes, and sure enough he is assailed by a chorus of catcalls, duck noises and a hail of fruit, yogourts and sandwiches from a score of lunchboxes. “Wooo! Duck wank boy! Wooo!” “Ho god dot agaid! Look what you’ve dode dow you ditwit! Cobe od, we’re gettig out of dis!” The baying mob of delinquents are between Bikle and the exit, so, spying a door marked “Special Exhibits” he bolts through it, Buckle, still in diplodocus mode, lumbering after him. Panicky after his recent ill treatment at the hands of a similarly inclined mob, he doesn’t even wait for Buckle to catch up, but slams the door shut and hurriedly proceeds to barricade it with a bench and a large display case. This done, he sinks into another chair to catch his breath. As he calms down, he looks up and notices the poster in front of him. “Welcome to our special exhibition exploring advertising literature through the ages. Literally thousands of leaflets, brochures, vouchers, handbills, coupons, prospectuses, pamphlets, inserts, catalogues and business cards on display!” Some time later Morris is reading the local paper when he bursts into laughter and tosses it to Yolanda. “Ho ho, cast your mince pies over this my little travel iron. “LOCAL ODDBALL ARRESTED AFTER MUSEUM SIEGE” reads the headline above a picture of a bedraggled Bikle being led away to a police van by PC Johnson.

C’est tout for now Johnsons.


Published in: on September 4, 2016 at 8:50 pm  Comments (1)