Christmas Mutterings

Morris is sat in his living room looking through an old copy of autotrader, there is a roaring fire in the hearth. A Johnson in a Rudolf suit is sat in an adjacent arm chair. Yolanda comes in with two mugs of tea “Just set them down there my treacle terror” “Morris, one of them is mine, and get Johnson out of my chair!” Morris looks around comedically “what Johnson? I don’t see any Johnson, maybe you mean…” “No Morris I mean that fucking bird thing in the Rudolf suit, move him this tea is scalding my hands” “Indeed it is my love, a nasty burn that could easily turn septic, especially with bacterial infection Johnson hiding in the bathroom at the moment. Johnson the ruse is up, you’ll have to move!” Johnson huffs and gets up, Yolanda puts the teas down and sits in the vacated seat. Johnson stands around kicking is feet, looking at Morris then back to the floor. “Morris, this isn’t very relaxing, make him go away!” “Let us not be so hasty, Johnson here is adding so much needed festivity to our abode.” “He looks about as interested as I am Morris, can’t he at least sit in the kitchen?” “I will not hear of it my love, you stay where you are, Johnson will sit in the kitchen” Morris gets up with his tea and magazine. “Morris where are you going?” “I am going to the kitchen with Johnson my love, are you coming with us?” “No Morris, just him go, we can sit here and have nice time, maybe put the TV on?” “I do not think it will suit you my love, besides which it is both heavy and contains dangerous electrical components.” Johnson sniggers. Now another Johnson comes with a tool kit. Begins to unpack the tools and work on the nearby sofa. “Morris what the fuck is going on?” It’s just handyman Johnson dear, he’s doing those adjustments to the sofa you asked for.” “What adjustments? I didn’t ask for any adjustments?” “maybe you mean the alleged adjustments?” “No fuck off, I wasn’t going to say that stupid line. “ “No worries my sweet, he has nearly finished anyway.” Sure enough, Johnson has worked fast and quickly converted the sofa into a passable looking sleigh. “What the very fuck Morris?! My sofa?” “What sofa…?” “Oh fuck off, you’ve turned it into a sleigh!” “I believe as discussed, you requested this.” “No no, no I did not.” “Let’s not bicker my sweet apple baked cracker! Just enjoy the festive spirit! So look, now we have Rudolf!” “Mwaaerk!” “and a sleigh!” “Mwaaaerk!” handyman Johnson gestures to his work. “but hmm what is missing from this scene, why of course it’s father Christmas himself!!” Enter Father Christmas Johnson, who in truth is Les Dawson Johnson dressed up in a Santa suit. “Mwaaerk!”  “Ho Ho Ho eh Johnson?” “Mwaaerk!” Johnson climbs onto the sofa, on which somehow a dustbin bag full of presents has appeared, whilst dressed as Rudolf Johnson has somehow attached himself to the front of the sofa and is now huffingly dragging it along the carpet. “hmm it is a little, heavy for him, let me just call Ithaqua for a little assistance” Morris mutters some awful names and chill fierce wind blasts through the house, lifting the Johnson ensemble into the air and crashing them all through the French windows and out into the sky “Ho ho smash away smash away smash away all!”

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Published in: on December 22, 2016 at 6:52 pm  Leave a Comment  

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