Bodopoly pt 7

Buckle of course, oblivious to this unfortunate heading waves cheerily and the horrified onlookers. The cheery wave though lasts only a moment as finally the train inevitably comes to an undignified halt by crashing into the bins outside the front of Bikle’s flat. The back end flies up in the air and guardsman Thompson is sent hurtling over the front of the crashed train into the rubbish pile only to be followed by the four Somalian computers. The first strikes him a terrible blow to the middle of his back, another lands hard against his left walking appendage, the next crashes hard into a wing and as a coup de grace the last deals a sickening sounding blow to his head. Sadly for Bikle, his brother is largely unscathed and leaps with enthusiasm from the wreckage “Ho dat was barvellous Br sparky, cad we have adother go!?” Dragging his scrawny being from the wreckage whilst keeping an eye on the circling, gathering people Bikle slowly gets up. “Ho by god, dot likely! Dow where are dose computellies?” “Dere under de dead Thombsod dere Br Sparky but I don’t thig you should have dem, dere Bikle’s you see, he’s goig to oped de tiny podey café wid dem!” Seeing the futility of arguing Bikle makes a smart decision “Yes dat’s right, Br Sparky just wants to help Bikle, ad sidce de Thobsod is dead and Bikle has god, we better get de tidy podies, I bean computellies up to de flat?” “Ho good fridea Br Sbarky let’s get deb up dere!” “I thigk we’d better Buckle or it looks a bit like burderous bob will turd up!” Buckle goes pale “Burderous Bob! Ho by god, I don’t like hib Br Sbarky!” “Do deither do I but he can’t hurt you whilst your carryig a computelly, so best to pick ode up quick!” Buckle obeys this instruction with some alacrity and follows ‘Mr Sparky’ up the stairs to the squalid flat with the each gangly individual managing improbably two Somalian machines. Back  outside the flat, some of the onlookers have clearly now called the police and the mood is souring variously amongst them. Once inside Bikle feels little at ease as he notes with some horror that of course the door is splintered off its hinges since the last time ‘Burderous Bob’ came to visit, still huffing and puffing Buckle and he finally manage to get the machines inside. Once piled in the middle of the floor Bikle looks down fondly at tatty looking technology “Look at dat Buckle, de future looks pretty bright frob where I’b standig!” “Ho what is dat Br Sparky? Fractually Br Sbarky, did you dow you sound a lot like by brother Bikle?” “Ho god!” Bikle shouts with the usual exasperation, “Frag od a bidute!” and with that he disappears into the bed room. In here he hoped to find some better clothes but in fact can only see Simon’s old outfit from before, thinking this is better than the frilly ensemble he once more dons the newsagents garb before returning to Buckle. Buckle of course now is completely confused “Sibod? But Bikle said you were rud over by a Tiger?” “It’s dot Sibod it’s be Bikle!” “Ho you are silly Sibod, but I cad play dat too! Look at be I’b Bikle de tidey podey!” and he begins to neigh and cavort around the room, Bikle looks down in despair and then hear official sounding booted feet coming up the stairs. He looks at Buckle, who is still dressed relatively smartly, despite behaving completely mentally. “Quick Buckle, have a gabe of Bikle the de pervert podey wid dese clothes as toys!” and in saying so tosses the frilly underwear at Buckle who gleefully snatches up the items and immediately puts one on his head whilst generally playing with the other items whilst shouting “I’b Bikle de perverg podey neigh neigh!” at this perfectly tibed moment the police burst into the flat. Bikle feigns aghast fear, “Oh frofficer, thag goodness you’ve cobe, dere’s de bad pervert, he’s totally bental as you cad see, take hib to de rubber roob quick!” The officers look at Bikle and the still capering idiot and decide for once that he’s  might be right “Ok sir you’re coming with us!” they say calmly but forcefully as they quickly bind Buckles arms behind his back and lead him away “Ho! Are you gendtlbed goig to play pervergs too?” is the last thing Bikle hears as Buckle is lead away. Bikle stops for a second. Silence. He pushes the broken door as closed as it will go. Still silence. “Ho by god!” he says with excitement “By flat just to byself! Do fridiots! Do Borris! I just deed to rig ode of dese computellies up ad gabes and filbs cad happed!” He stops again, feeling sure some gittage will arrive, but time passes and nothing does. His confidence grows and soon he is tinkering with untangling the computellies and trying them out. This however goes on for some time with poor progress. Indeed after a while Bikle becomes quite disheartened with the matter “Bah Br Cutler probised dat at least two of deb would work but so far dot a sausage o o o! I’ve had edough of dis…” but then his despondency is lifted as he spies a ‘Percival’s Pizzas, 2 for 1’ flyer lying around the flat “Hoho, cobe to be by beauty, you cad be, hmm do dot Percy dats dot sexy, Pridcess Percilla. Cobe with be Percilla, I’ll give you two for ode!” and with that he disappears into his bedroom.

In another part of town, late in the evening a feathery figure is bustling up a cul de sac, looking at the houses one in turn he finally stops and makes his way up the neatly manicured drive, and knocks at the door. “Blblblbp , answer damn you, need  way out of this!” No answer, no movement inside. He tries again, this time spying the doorbell and giving it a long press. Finally movement inside, steps and the door opens. There greeting our feathery friend is the familiar face of Dr Furnisson. Upon seeing this Clancy is shocked! “Bblblbllblp! What’s going on!? Aren’t you following me aetherically? Came to apologize for feeding you to family, terribly sorry, take dagger of Balthazar away, will give prize orchids, fish, whatever you want!” But instead of malevolently lording it over him Dr Furnisson looks equally aghast and exclaims “Blblblp! What are you doing here!? Go away quickly, take Furnisson spirit too, face your doom, off you go blblblblp!” “Who is it dear meow meow?” comes the voice from back in the house, “are you coming back to bed soon?” she purrs. Dr Furnisson answer is perfect voice “No one important dear, I’ll be with you soon!” and the hushedly “Blblbp, leave alone, can’t come in, barred from this space!” “Bllplplpl! What’s going on? Who are you? Let me in, need to make amends! All good friends, free train rides, tea and crumpets, bury bones properly!” “Blblblblp no idiot, your not real Clancy, psychic double,  trick Morris, drag Furnisson spirit away, off you go toodle oo!” “Blblblp not likely, by the way no trousers!” and in a second Dr Furnissons pyjama legs are gone!” “Well really! Trifle on your head!” and a trifle appears on the external Clancy’s bonce. Mrs Furnisson having heard all the kerfuffle has come down to find her husband with no trousers on talking to ‘another’ one of those Turkey’s with a trifle on his head “Dear, is everything ok? Why does he have your trousers?” Whirling round he addresses his wife “Blblbp bad prankster, stole trousers, I mean this Turkey stole my trouser so I threw a trifle at him meow meow?” “Where did  you get that trifle from? What’s going on here?” “Meow meow, I err had the trifle as a surprise for the children.” “Meow but you threw it at this Turkey?” “Blblbp he certainly did, please let in, need to clean up!” “But why is he here meow meow?” she looks bewildered. Dr Furnisson-Clancy looked sympathetically at his wife “He’s come looking for his friend, the one that went missing” He half whispers, and his wife whispers back “maybe we should invite him in too” “Blblblblp what are you saying? All friends here, in I come.” And without a further word in bustles the Clancy-double. Dr Furnisson-Clancy looks in something of a sweat as this Clancy installs himself in the house, dripping trifle on the carpet and tossing the pyjama bottoms back at him as he goes. But of course all is not well for psychic double Clancy either, for now he cannot apologize and try to make amends for murdering Dr Furnisson whilst Dr Furnisson is stood right there. The real Clancy equally  knows he must free himself from the locale of the psychic double and soon before the real Furnisson spirit realises it has been tricked and attaches to himself. “I’ll put the Kettle on shall I?” says Mrs Furnisson “Blblblbp won’t suit you!” quips the Clancy double “Blblblp most amusing!” says Dr Furnisson “I mean meow meow, haha”. Mrs Furnisson eyes the pair of them suspiciously, before heading towards the kitchen, at which point their dialogue resumes “Bllblblp, must leave, quick now, Mrs Furnisson will try to eat you!” “Really!” “Blblp less innuendo, more haste, if Furnisson spirit gets me, both doomed, better you blblblblp!” “Blblbllbp how I do know I’m double, blblblp might be you!” “BLblblp ridiculous, why am I here then, when you’ve been driving spurious Mr Sparky train ride around blblblbp? When Sparky start? Long term business hmm?” “BLblbp it was, blblblp it was, last Tuesday?” “BLblblp, no idea, see not real Clancy!” “Blblblp not real, really!” he says despondently “Blblblp  no not really! Not real, blblblp no more reallys, inappropriate!” At this point Mrs Furnisson reappears with the tea “There we go tea and scones” “Sadly Mr Turkey was just leaving meow meow!” “Blblbp certainly wasn’t, tea and scones, can’t refuse, mother said manners important!” “Meow meow, I really think you should go now!” “Meow meow, nonsense dear if err, what was your name?” “Blblbp Clancy, most kind, extra cream, jam too please!” “How funny we had a Turkey called Clancy visit us just recently, he joined us for dinner didn’t he dear?” and she winks at Dr Furnisson who squirms uncomfortably “Err meow, blblbp yes he did, finished your scones yet Clancy?” “Blblbp not likely fine scone, earl grey.” “Meow, meow, I don’t think you appreciate how much you should meow meow be going Clancy!” “Oh I don’t think Clancy needs to go anywhere, look its late why don’t you stay here tonight?” “Blblblblp most kind, sofa looks comfey, Sky Tv, small nightcap?” and he quickly manages to find a tartan throw and settle himself under it. Dr Furnisson looks a state, glancing hither and thither. “Meow meow, um well if Clancy’s staying here I’d better go and meow, buy some things for breakfast yes, blblbp that’s it.” “Meow meow, dear at this time of night?” “Blbblbp 24 hour freshways! Eggs and bacon. Off I go!” And with that Dr Furnisson is away with the car keys. “Err dear!” “Blblblp meow, what is it, need to go!” “I don’t know what’s got into you, with that silly turkey voice but you might meow meow want to take your trousers with you!” “Meow, good point, dignity to preserve blblp!” and off into the night he goes with no intention of coming back to the wretched cat peoples house. What now? Leave the double? What if she tries to eat him? Maybe he’ll get rid of the rest of the cats before Dr Furnisson’s spirit drains his energy? Another disguise maybe? For now just drive. And so the Furnissons Mercedes disappears into the night.

Light creeps slowly down the poverty stricken college road. The new day is here. This same light eventually fights its way through the grimy curtains of Bikle’s flat. After a few hours of light slumber he slowly wakes. “Ho by god! Still just be! Dis is barvellous, hello world and good bordig Percivilla! Ha you’re lookig a bit worse for wear, do I’b sure you loved it!” he holds the creased and stained pizza flyer up for a moment before popping it back on the pillow. “you cad wait dere for de day, I’ll fix you sobe beads od toast before bedtibe!” he puts a special emphasis on this word and looks lasciviously at the leaflet. “Baybe I’ll find a co-op leaflet and we cad have a three sobe! Frole!” and with that he skips out of bed and heads for the kitchen. Of course there is no food in the kitchen and he has blown all his money on broken Somalian technology. This crashing reality deflates him somewhat as he is genuinely hungry. “Ho god, baybe Pete and Paul cad led be a couple of quid, wid dere tools I suppose.” And he laughs to himself. At that exact moment there is a knock on the door. “Ho god, I dew it was to good to be true, here dey are dow!” He goes to open the broken door only to be greeted by two hospital looking types who immediately make their way in “Mr Hensban?” “Yes dat’s be!” “Ah right, it’s about your brother!” “De bentalist!? Is he locked up?” “Well you know, we’ve got some really exciting news for you, for one the police have dropped all the charges and can see the sexual misdemeanour accusation is really just a bad misunderstanding, secondly regarding the somewhat low functioning of your brother, well you know treatments have come on in leaps and bounds since the olden days so frankly we hooked him up to the old computer, stuck a chip in his head and he’s good to go. Buckland, do you want to come up?” Bikle’s face pales “You’ve brought hib back?” “Yes we have and I think you’ll agree he’s a lot better than before! Buckland you brothers waiting!” “Barvellous, thankyou gentlenben!” comes  a familiar voice, that now sounds much less childishly manic. In moments there indeed is Buckle, his hair is long but washed and tied back, he’s wearing a smart sweater with shirt collars showing, some nicely fitting jeans and normal shoes. “Hello Bikle, it’s good to be back!” and he shakes his brothers hand warmly. “Buh buh Buckle?” Bikle stammers “Dat’s be broder bide! Dow I prefer Buckland if you don’t bind. Dow let’s get idside, dese gentlbed don’t want to be standing around here frallday!” “Just sign here sir!” says the official to Bikle. Bikle zombie like scrawls on the paper and the hospital officials are gone and Buckland saunters past him into the flat. “By oh by it’s a bit of a bess id here isn’t it Bikle!” “berr it’s dot too bad!” which is blatantly not true as the flat is a dirty mess strewn with various splinters of wood, tipped over chairs, screwed up fliers and somalian computellies “Hmmb dow den, let’s get dis bess sorted!” says Buckland in an efficient sounding manner “actually Bikle, I’b pretty hugry, pop dowd to de dewsagent ad pick us up a sandwich, cheese” and at this word, he twitches visibly but seems not to notice “or sobething, baybe tuda? Here’s a tedder, get yourself sobethig if you like!” Buckland opens his wallet and hands Bikle the crisp tenner, Bikle stairs in disbelief at it all “Cobe od Bicks! Hop to it! Lots to do here!” “Berr yes Buckle, Buckland, I’ll get de sandwiches and cads of coke?” “Yes Bikle good fridea, I’ll bake a start here!” and so Bikle goes off to one of the newsagents, he thinks he’ll try Simon-Bickles this time rather than classic Simon. Upon entering the newsagent he can hear a female giggle and a ‘O O O’ sound then “bah hag od a bidute!” Bikle takes two sandwiches and cans of coke and stands at the counter, Bickle-Simon appears from below the counter with his shirt half undone, “Ho how cad I help you sir?” then looks down faux sternly says “Just a bidute, leave it just  bidute I’ve got to serve dis saddo!” then looking back at Bikle he says  “Berr dat’ll be £6.88 please.” Bikle hands over the £10 and Bickle runs it through the till. In this time Bikle can’t help but peer over the counter as best as he is able, and can just make out a bare leg. An audible giggle emits from the below as well “sobeode dowd dere O O O ?” Bikle ventures in an all Bikles together type tone, but Bickle is having none of it “dod of your busidess perverd, dow froff you go!” and he chucks the change at him. Bikle manages to get the 3 pound coins but is forced to abandon the rest. Dejectedly he leaves the shop to a “dow where were we you binx!” echoing in the back ground. “bah dat used to be be!” and he trudges back. Bikle walks up the dark stairs to find that the door on the flat seems to fixed, more than fixed it’s a new door! He pushes it open. Inside the whole flat has been transformed. “Ah dere you are Bikle, you took your tibe! By sandwich thags, oh I thought it would be…” and he twitches “tuda and bayo, barvellous!” Looking around Bikle is amazed. The whole flat seems to be spotless and what is more, Buckland has somehow acquired various bits of new furniture and rigged the computellies up. These African imports have frankly never looked better. They are all internet wired in with log in screens waiting to be logged in. A tea and coffee machine is installed at the side and there is  a sofa area in the corner. “I was thinking you see Bikle, you said about de frinterdet café, and I thought lets bake it happed. I’ve put a partition id de bedroob so we’ve got a sbace each, ad we cad rud de café together id de day tibe, what do you thigk to Buckland’s Frinterdet café?” “Ho by god Buckland it’s frantastic! But de dabe is supposed to be Bikle’s frinterdet café!” “Hmmb well dat’s ode idea, but frankly I think your dame isn’t good for busidess and besides who just wired and rejigged does shitty computellies of yours?” Deflated Bikle is forced to accept that Buckle 2.0 is a much more capable creature than himself and gives up the claim of the title. Buckland then shows Bikle how the computers work and how people log on, how much it costs for time etc and how to change the tea and coffee, scarcely any of which goes in as he wasn’t managing to listen and didn’t understand the technical parts. This is all the more unfortunate as Buckland then announces that he’s going out. “H’what?! H’where are you goig? Cad I cobe?” Buckland shakes his head “Well I wouldn’t bind if you did but Bickle said dot to brig you, he’s fridvited be to dat dew bar to have a drigk wid a couple of dose housewives he likes to hag around wid, and I bust say sobe of dem are quite dice, frif you dow what I bean! So fradyway, if you cad rud de café and den close up. Don’t wait up for be O O O! eh Bikle?” and he gives him a friendly wink before shutting the door leaving Bikle in charge of ‘Buckland’s frinterdet café!”

 

 

 

 

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Published in: on July 7, 2017 at 3:43 pm  Leave a Comment  

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