Eldritch Conveyor Belt Sketch (excerpt from generation game)

Morris: “ladies and gentlemen please welcome the next of tonight’s special guests, Koth Hotep titan of the depths of abysmal space!”
Nervous applause and some shrieks as Koth Hotep emerges from a widening portal. His terrifying fuligin bulk near fills the stage.
Morris: addressing him cheerfully “so Koth, what have you got for us tonight?”
Koth: “DEEEEEEEEEEAATH. AAAND ETERNAAAL SOOOUULL HORRORRR. FORR THOSE WHOO SHALL FAIIIL MYYY TESSSST.”
The audience are by now whimpering and cowering in terror, confronted by this darkness within the darkness from before fear had a name. Morris however is visibly perked up by the appearance of an old chum.
Morris: “Marvellous! Lovely to have you on the show Koth mate. And what form shall the test take?”
The shadowy blackness coils in upon itself, hideous cold blue luminosity flashing around its extremities.
Koth: “ITEMS SHAAALL PASSS BYY MORTAALLLS TWIIICE. REMEEEMMBERRR THE MOOOST SHALLL BEEE SAAAVED. AND PRIIIZEES SHAAALL GAAIIN. THEY WHO RECCAAALL LEEEAAST PEEERISHHH THEEEY MUUUUSSTTT.”
Roiling and boiling, the horror ascends to the roof and hangs there emanating hate.
Morris: “You heard him Johnson, remember the stuff that rolls past or face a fate beyond all awfulness, look!” Gestures to the hanging mass of iniquity. “But of course no memory game of ancient evil would be complete without ‘the eldritch dark conveyor belt cubicle of dread’ Johnson the cubicle if you please!”
Part of the stage swivels round to reveal a hideous gothic dark wood carved cubicle resplendent with strange signs and sinister faces. A window from which the sitting contestant can peer out of looks over an old old leather conveyor belt. The machinery is heavy and seems to be ready to be hand operated by sinister mechanical Johnson, who stands nearby. The general impression of the set up causes the audience to recoil in fear.
Morris: “Come on now Johnson in you get!”
Johnson looks terrified. Quivering with fear, Johnson steps falteringly into the box. Instantly the door slams behind him, the carvings writhe and meld into one another until no trace of the doorway remains, leaving Johnson entombed save for his panicky face peering through the aperture. With an awful grinding noise, the conveyor belt judders into life, and a succession of objects roll slowly past. In a toneless yet menacing voice, Morris keeps up a running commentary:
Morris: “A baked potato. A coffee machine. A wagon wheel. The charred skull of a newsagent. A tumble dryer. The animated corpse of Sigmund Freud. One of Carl’s sheep. A No Frills french bread pizza. A bowling ball…” Here Morris’s attention seems to wander for a moment, but pulling himself together he continues.”Astaroth’s teeth, Pandora’s socks, half a pound of chipolatas, a Minotaur, a garden saw, a living hoover, a jiving mover, an anaconda,” pauses “ hang on a minute Yolanda, is that an aconda? What is aconda? Or should it say condor? It looks more like a big snake? Johnson stop turning!”
Yolanda: “Morris it’s an anaconda”
Morris: Looking at her with a scrunched up confused face. “An..Anna Conda? Is it the next special guest?”
Yolanda: “No Morris it’s a giant snake!”
Morris: “Is it?”
Yolanda: “Yes you can see it is!”
But now the snake has slithered partially off the conveyer belt and is constricting poor Mr Johnson in the cubicle.
Morris: “Oops, quickly Johnson, get turning!”
Johnson turns for all he is worth, sadly this does not of course free Mr Johnson rather it drags him out of the viewing hole onto the conveyor belt.
Morris: “…and a multipack of assorted flavoured crisps, now Johnson let’s see what you can remember, Johnson?! Johnson? Where has he gone Yolanda? This is intolerable, we are going out live to millions of viewers, and he just disappears at will. If I know Johnson, he’s probably sloped off for a baked potato… and a wagon wheel. And a coffee machine, Ashtaroth’s teeth, the charred skull of a newsagent, a living hoover, one of Carl’s sheep and a Minotaur.” Morris beams. “So then Anita, what do I win?”
Yolanda: “Morris! You’re the host not a bloody contestant!”
Morris: “Of course I can recommend a good decongestant. Drowsy or non-drowsy? Will you be operating heavy machinery? Well you are operating heavy machinery. Look! Out of the way Sinister Mechanical Johnson, Dorito here wants a turn on the conveyor belt. I’d think twice about doing that with your bad head cold. Anyway, where is our next contestant?”
Bikle strides forward purposefully, keen to vindicate himself in the eyes of the audience after the earlier debacle. Morris turns to him and gives him a fierce glare.
Morris: “So Michael. What are you singing for us tonight?”
Bikle is about to reply when Morris cuts him short again.
Morris: “Good choice. And what musical round would be complete without the karaoke cubicle of eternal foulness!”
The same abomination of carpentry is gestured to. The door reappears and unclicks open with an evil hiss. Large dark metal pipes now protrude from the sides, and a low piped discordant melody issues forth.
Morris: “In you get Captain Beaky!”
Sinister mechanical Johnson bustles him in and Koth Hotep blasts the stage with an icy misty breath of despair. Bikle peers out worriedly.
Morris: “Yolanda, whenever you’re ready turn the crank!”
Yolanda sighs and begins to slowly turn the evil machine. As she does so an unmistakeable yet still dissonant version of a famous tune appears.
Morris: Booming “Sing contestant sing! Your soul depends upon it!”
Bikle: Falteringly begins “Bi’ve got a… lovely bunch of cocoduts…!”
Morris: “Marvellous, now remember the stuff as well, Johnson put stuff back on the conveyer”
Bikle’s eyes scan the belt as he uncomfortably warbles.
Bikle: “Large ones, s’ball ones some as big as your head o.o.”
Morris: Begins again: “A baked potato, a coconut, John Lewis pillow cases, a dvd player with digibox, an undead crocodile, another coconut, another coconut, a John Lewis coconut, Astaroth’s coconut, a block of cheese….”
At this, a voice is heard from the audience.
Buckle: To the audience member next to him. “Ho dow, dat’s a coincidence, you see, hearlier today…”
Morris scowls, a flurry of Johnsons dart into the crowd, and there comes the sound of blows. The Johnsons reemerge carrying a slumped, bloody figure. Morris resumes his monologue;
“A litre bottle of Special Red. 5 lepers leaping. A baked coconut. Jerry Lee Lewis’ paternity case. A commercially ill advised “Judge Bikle” Action Figure. A Coco Chanel vanity case. A baked Alaska. A cage of dead canaries…”
Bikle: “By cadaries!”
Morris: “A coconut. A coconut. Soup. A coconut. A dreaded Wendigo Teatime Assortment. Johnson. A foaling stall. A bowl of gooseberries. A leading brand of non-drowsy decongestant.”
Yolanda, sensing the audience’s restlessness, tries to interrupt……but Morris is in no mood to be thwarted.
Morris: “A penny Farthing. A microwave oven. A pair of trousers.”
Bikle: “By trousers!”
Morris: “a mouldy plate, a cuckoo clock, a dirty sock, a severed head, a four poster bed….”
Bikle’s head swims at the horrendous list.
Bikle: “Bi feel a little queer” he moans.
Morris pauses impressively “and…..the mangle of Koth Hotep”
The hideous mangle roles slowly across the belt and out of sight. Bikle lies slumped in the cubicle mumbling the words to the coconut song. At the mention of his mangle Koth Hotep lets out a terrifying hiss.
Morris: ‘Yes, erm, I should think twice before remembering that. Now contestant, get out the box!”
The door unclicks and Bikle falls sideways out of the cubicle and lies there mumbling. Morris puts the microphone to him.
Morris: “So contestant, what was on the list?”
Bikle: “Cocodut…” Comes the feeble reply
Morris: “Congratulations, you have won a coconut! Give him a round of applause ladies and gentlemen”
Bikle raises his head feebly as the audience applauds wildly.

Published on January 5, 2016 at 9:53 pm  Comments Off on Eldritch Conveyor Belt Sketch (excerpt from generation game)  
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